Vernon Dursley and the Professor's Turban
by Nezulous
Summary: One day, Mr. Dursley of Number 4 Privet Drive found a note. It said, "Dear Mr. Dursley, We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list-" Vernon stopped reading. "Bah, magic doesn't exist," he thought to himself, "but I might as well see what this is all about." (Vernon Dursley-Centric crack fic)
1. Prologue

Mr. Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, was proud to say that he was a patriotic British citizen. He, like many others of their heritage, loved their mother country. Vernon had a concealed carry license, and always kept a small handgun on him.

He pretty much had the life he wanted, except for the fact that there were two unwanted kids lumped into his family. There was Dudley, who he hated, and Petunia's nephew, Harry Plotter or something. Bah, just another freeloader, Vernon thought.

One day, as the "family" (Read: Vernon) was eating dinner, he caught Harry trying to steal from his cookie jar. He was overwhelmed with rage. How dare that _leech_ try and steal one of his cookies?

Harry could barely whimper out an excuse. "It's almost my birthday, and I thought-"

Vernon registered his hand striking out and slapping Harry to the ground. "You _thought_? You don't _think_, boy, you do as **you are TOLD**! And I told you to **NOT TOUCH MY COOKIE JAR.**"

There was a visible spark of green from Harry to Vernon as Harry jumped back. Vernon felt his mind expand as his hatred erupted from his body.

He found three new words in his head, those being Crucio, Imperio, and Avada Kedavra.

His eyes radiating green, Vernon turned to Dudley and raised his arm.

"_**CRUCIO**_!" Vernon shouted, feeling his rage surge toward his undesirable son.

Dudley began convulsing on the floor. Vernon felt himself coming off of his rage-fuelled high, taking several breaths to calm himself.

"Honey," Petunia cut in, blatantly ignoring everything that had just happened, "A letter just came through the mail slot."

Vernon gazed towards the door, seeing that a letter had came. He went to move down the hallway, but Harry quickly ran in front of him. Harry had picked up the letter, reading the front.

"What's Hogwarts?" he asked.

"Give me that!" Vernon shouted, bashing Harry into the wall. Vernon caught the letter out of the air and aimed his arm at Harry. "Avada Kedavra."

A green light blasted into Harry Potter, killing him instantly. Vernon, absentmindedly, opened the letter and read the first few lines.

It said:

Dear Mr. Dursley.

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list...

Vernon stopped reading. "Bah, magic doesn't exist," he thought to himself, "but I might as well see what this is all about."

And all throughout this, Vernon didn't notice the new, _lightning bolt shaped_, scar on his forehead.


	2. Gringotts

Over the course of the next several weeks, Vernon acted as if everything was normal. He continued his weekly outing to the shooting range, managed his drill business, and was noticeably more happy.

_It's probably because those pests are out of my life_, Vernon thought to himself.

It was true, Vernon's life was a lot more peaceful now. He had killed that Plotter boy, and he didn't have to deal with Petunia's nagging since she's constantly tending to Dudley (who was still under the effects of the Cruciatus Curse.)

_Yes_, Vernon thought, _Everything is going quite nicely_.

One morning, as Vernon was reading the newspaper, there was a knock at the door. He grumbled to himself as he stood up and made his way over.

Opening the door, he began speaking. "Sorry, but we don't accept solicitors-"

He froze.

He was staring at what was, most positively, the biggest man he had ever seen!

"Greet'ins!" the man said, "The name's Hagrid. You must be Vernon. I'm suppos'ta take you to get yer supplies for Hogwarts this year."

Vernon was in awe. The sheer _size_ of this man dazzled him so much that he almost didn't catch his sentence. "H-hogwarts? Hmm... Oh! The wizard school, right?"

"Yup," Hagrid nodded. "Are ye ready?"

Vernon made sure he had his pistol on him, and nodded.

"Alright. Let's go to Diagon Alley."

* * *

Vernon had been stopped multiple times by people asking him if he was 'The Boy Who Lived," whoever that was. He was getting mad, and was grilling one of the wizards for more information.

"Who is this god-forsaken _BOY WHO LIVED_?!" He shouted at the wizard.

"Y-You don't know? The one who killed the d-dark lord? Harry Potter? You have his scar!"

Vernon froze. _The Plotter boy killed this "dark lord?" I have his scar?_

Upon feeling his forehead, Vernon found out that he did, in fact, have a lightning bolt scar. He was hit with a wave of realization. _That troublesome boy must have done this to me before I killed him!_

Snarling, he left the wizard behind.

His first stop was Gringotts. Petunia had told him that the Potters were rich shortly before the trip, and Vernon would do whatever it took to access that.

As they were about to walk in, Vernon stopped Hagrid. "I can do this myself, Mr. Hagrid. Could you wait outside for me?"

Hagrid was caught off guard, but easily agreed.

Vernon had stolen Harry's glasses from him about a month ago, and he still had them in his pocket. He could work this to his advantage.

Putting them on, he walked into Gringotts and up to the front desk.

"I, Mr. Harry Potter, wish to make a withdrawal."

The goblin leaned forward. "And, does Mr. Harry Potter have his _key_?"

Vernon froze. What key?

"U-um," Vernon gulped, "No, I do not, sir. But you can clearly see my scar, yes? And my glasses? I am Harry Potter, and I **have the right to the Potter Vault!**"

His outburst gained a few onlookers. The goblin, unfazed, continued speaking. "Last I remembered, Harry Potter was an eleven year old boy. You do not look eleven."

Vernon's face was red with anger. How could he turn this situation to his advantage?

Suddenly, an idea hit him. "You _dare_ make racist accusations at me, a Half-Giant? I am the Boy Who Lived, and you are denying me my _Birthright!_"

Several wizards, upon learning that the Boy Who Lived was making a scene, joined in and supported him.

"Yeah! How dare you?"

"He killed the Dark Lord, for Merlin's sake!"

"Can't you see his scar?"

The goblin slammed his fist against the desk and cleared his throat. "I am sorry, but you may not access the vault without a key."

Vernon was livid. Reaching under one of his fat rolls, he pulled out his pistol and shot the goblin. The other wizards began firing spells to protect him as he dashed into a nearby hall.

Upon exiting, he found himself in a room that seemed to go on forever. Metal doors lined the walls, and he smirked to himself. He was in the vault room.

Coming across the first vault, he raised his fist and bashed it open. There were golden coins stacked in a corner, which he stole and shoved under his fat roll.

Dashing back into the main room, he saw that there were more wizards that had joined the ruckus. Suddenly, four people apparated in and began flinging spells at the crowd of goblins, thinking that they were trying to revolt again. Vernon, tossing off the glasses, quickly reached the exit and left.

"What took ye so long?" Hagrid asked.

Vernon sighed. "A group of troublemakers tried to rob the bank."

Hagrid gasped. "Well, a first year shouldn't have teh worry about these things. Come on, let's go get you a robe."

Vernon happily followed along, feeling the money hidden under his gut.

* * *

_Author's __Note:_ Music still recommended for reading - Pirates of the Caribbean - He's a Pirate (Extended)


	3. Ollivanders

Vernon had bought all of the required equipment on the list so far, except for a wand. Hagrid was leading him to a place called 'Ollivander's', which was the best wandmaker in the _world_, according to Hagrid's opinion.

If you were to ask Mr. Dursley, he'd say that wands were utterly ridiculous and inefficient. Tools, he thought to himself, should have a fine grip, like his pistol and many of the drills he used to sell.

With these thoughts in mind, Vernon entered Ollivander's.

"Hello?" Vernon called out. "Anyone there?"

A ladder slid into view, an old man on it. "Oh, hello! How may I help you?"

"I was told to come here for a wand, but-" Vernon began.

"Oh! You want a wand? Let's get you fitted then. Ever had one before?"

Vernon was angered by this man cutting him off and responded in a strained tone. "No, it's my first year at Hogwarts, but I do not want a wand."

Ollivander was shocked. Of which part shocked him, there was no way to know. "Then why are you here, if you do not want a wand? All wizards need wands to channel their magic."

"Yeah, about that. Your wands are preposterous! What if someone were to knock it out of your hand?"

"Preposterous?! How dare you insinuate such a thing! You are insulting the progress of my family line-"

Vernon cut him off by pulling out his pistol and shooting it into the air. Ollivander froze.

"Do you see this?" Vernon began. "It is a fine piece of work. Sturdy, good grip, and reliable. From what I've heard, your wands are not."

He sat the gun in front of Ollivander and pulled out a handful of Galleons.

"I wish to commission a weapon like this with the properties of a wizard's wand."

Ollivander, afraid of the man in front of him, accepted the Galleons and nodded.

"Okay. Let's... find a core that works for your... _intimidating_ manner."

They had tried almost every wand core that Ollivander had, and none of them were compatible. It seemed that none of the cores could match Vernon's rotten personality, Ollivander had told him.

"Rotten? I have just the thing for that." Vernon said, pulling out his shoe and taking off one of his wooly socks.

He handed it to Ollivander, who took it and took a big whiff. He was repulsed by the stench, and almost vomited from a single sniff.

"Okay," Ollivander began disdainfully, "This could work, but it needs something... _more_."

Suddenly, a cloaked dementor had flown past Ollivanders. An idea striking Vernon, he dashed out and grappled the dementor by the neck.

Dragging it into Ollivanders, he tossed it down at Ollivander's feet.

"Will that work? I'd say it's pretty rotten, considering I've been diagnosed with Athlete's Foot." Vernon asked.

Ollivander sighed and accepted that this man did not follow any of the conventional wizarding laws. Staring at him, he was reminded of a man from legend. A man who shaped the current wizarding society.

Vernon Dursley reminded Ollivander of no one other than the legendary Merlin. Whether that was good or bad, no one would know.

* * *

_Author's Note: _Recommended Music - Skype Theme Extended


	4. Platform? What Platform?

Vernon finally had everything he _absolutely_ needed for a trip to Hogwarts. He was about to leave with Hagrid, when a shop caught his eye. It was a pet store, and there was a white chicken-looking thing in the windowsill.

He almost passed it by, but he noticed its feather coat and saw how purely white it was. Knowing he couldn't pass this by, him and Hagrid walked in.

Hagrid saw him looking at the "chicken", and felt the urge to speak up.

"Isn't that Edwig' from Arry' Pottah an the Chambuh of Secrets (2002) ™ directed by Chris Columbus and starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint?"

Vernon stared at him in confusion. "No, that's just a movie. This is _obviously _a chicken. What are you, Hagrid, a kindergartener? Stop playing pretend."

Vernon could see the clerk helping some other customer, so he picked up Chicken's cage and bolted out the door.

"Ey, what'd'ya think yur doin'?" Hagrid yelled, running after him.

Vernon faced Hagrid and kicked him in his knees. There was a loud '_crunch_' and Hagrid let out a loud yell, coming off across more as a screech than a scream.

"Pathetic. Just like the half-giant you are." Vernon turned and began walking away. "Hah, _half-giants_. Those don't exist."

* * *

Eventually, using his Hogwarts letter, he found this 'Platform 9 and 3/4'. It was all horribly stupid, according to Vernon. He couldn't see what he was meant to do, as there was only Platform 9 and Platform 10.

There were people bustling all around the platform, many of them wearing shabby cosplay gear. Vernon felt disappointed, as he had cosplayed many different characters, all of high quality (such as Marvel's '_The Punisher,' 'Sans'_ from Undertale, and '_Hagrid'_ from the 2007 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie adaptation.)

One such group caught his eye, as they all had red hair. Their cosplays were particularly shabby, and there were a bunch of them. He scoffed at how society was turning out.

Vernon was so mad at this turn of events that he decided to take his anger out on one of the pillars around the platform. Raising his fist, he yelled out. "USELESS RUBBISH!" He struck the pillar and felt his hand go _through_ it. Since he was caught off guard, the rest of his body followed afterwards.

He could feel the pillar crumble under his weight while simultaneously pulling him through. A brick fell out of it, striking the little girl in the group of gingers in the head and leaving the rest without a path to the platform.

There was a loud '**THUMP**' as Vernon's body hit the ground, causing splinters to form in the floor. He picked himself up and found that he was at Platform 9 and 3/4.

"Well, that was stupid! What kind of design is that? Why, if this were Smeltings, the workshop class would be more than enough to make a working doorway. Bah, _wizards_. Wizards don't exist," he mumbled to himself, drawing the attention of other kids that looked on at him in confusion.

He found where he was supposed to go, as it was a bright red train that was impossible to miss. Carrying Chicken and his other supplies, he boarded it.

As he got on, the train creaked and groaned under his weight. He found a compartment with another first year, a girl with frizzy brown hair. Setting Chicken's cage down on the seat, he put the rest of his stuff in the storage space above.

He made sure he could feel the weight of his new pistol-wand on his holster, then sat down. Because of his sheer size, he filled up both seats on his side.

As soon as he sat down, there was a loud 'SQUAK'. His eyes widened as he remembered Chicken. The girl opposite to him gasped as Vernon shot back up. The train rocked and began moving.

"Ah..." Vernon began, staring at the mess of what used to be Chicken, "Oops?"

Vernon plopped back down on the gorey seat and what remained of Chicken's cage. As this happened, the train couldn't take any more of Vernon's abuse. Rocking back and forth from his sitting down, the train disconnected two whole compartments.

Sighing, Vernon faced the girl in shock in front of him. "Who are you?"

"I-I'm Hermione G-Granger..."

"Ah. Nice to meet another kid. I'm Vernon, Vernon Dursley, and this is my first year."

The girl was staring off into space. Finally, she noticed Vernon's pointed gaze and jumped. "O-oh, me too. Um, Mr. D-Dursley, your owl-"

"Don't call me Mr. Dursley," he waved her off, "That name belongs to my father. Call me Vernon. You know, I wonder if Hogwarts has any workshop clas-"

Suddenly, the door opened, cutting Vernon's spiel off. A frightened kid looked in. "Um, I lost my toad and was wondering if any of you have seen him. His name is Tr-"

Almost instantly, Vernon had whipped out his gun and aimed at the kid. "**CRUCIO**, you piece of rubbish!"

He fired, a projectile shooting out at the kid. Once it struck, the kid began convulsing on the ground, so Vernon closed the door and turned back to Hermione.

"Anyway, as I was saying before we were _rudely_ interrupted, I wonder if Hogwarts teaches any actually useful skills, like workshop or tax filing. What do you think?"

Hermione had frozen in fear and was currently rethinking her decision to come to Hogwarts. She probably could've lived a normal life, following in her parents' footsteps and becoming a dentist. At least then she wouldn't have to share a train compartment with a madman.

All the while, the train continued onward. Nobody noticed the missing students until they arrived at Hogwarts, where it was too late to go back.

Because Vernon had to go and exceed the weight capacity, causing several train compartments to disconnect, the entire house of Hufflepuff was lost forever.

* * *

_Author's Note_: Recommended music: Istanbul by They Might Be Giants

.

.

Thanks to TheShyDogLover for reminding me that this story exists. Here's an update.


End file.
